


Second Fiddle

by mattie9



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-06 02:56:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11591478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattie9/pseuds/mattie9
Summary: Modern Day AU. Delia thought she was okay being second best, but during a trip home with Patsy, she's having second thoughts.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The story isn't in my usual canon comfort area, so I'm a little nervous but I hope y'all like it.
> 
> Angst seems to be a recurring theme with my writing, and we're gonna have it here a fair bit too.

The party was in full swing. It was strange being back home after so long. I looked around the living room. The varnished mahogany couch and armchairs were still there, where they had always been. The low, rectangular, glass topped coffee table was still burdened with mam's knick-knacks.

Even the guests were the same. My aunts, uncles and cousins, our neighbors, everyone was there. All of us there had attended my cousin Gavin’s wedding the day before and had now driven back to town in the morning to spend a few days home just catching up with each other. It was a happy occasion, and all of us were together like this for the first time in years. All this talk of love and family around me made me smile, but it was tempered by not a little melancholy.

There were only two differences from old times. One was the all my nephews and nieces running around. And the other was Patsy. She looked around her with a bemused expression on her face and that hidden sadness in her eyes that I’d come to know intimately. Our eyes met and held, mine filled with love, and hers were almost contemplative. Though she tried to hide it. She smiled at me and stepped towards me. I could not bear to have her so close to me again just yet. Every time I look into her eyes and see that expression there, my heart shriveled up just a little more. So I smiled and turned away, catching my cousin Dayfid's son as he teetered on unsteady, eighteen month old legs. I pretend to be focusing on little Rhys, hiding my own sadness from everyone.

This wasn't my story to tell. Not completely. It would be unfair because this would only be from my point of view. But as I stood there surrounded by my family I couldn't help but think about it. Let me start from where Patsy and I began.

I met her in the London. I had just started as an intern in the hospital, and she was a couple of years ahead and got paired with me a couple of times during rotations. And she was magnificent. Tall and polished, with red hair and blue eyes. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. And she was unavailable.

It was no secret in our circle that the gorgeous Patsy Mount was gay. As with everything else however, she was very private about her life outside work. But at a Christmas party a few years ago, she brought one of the other interns in her year with her as a date and introduced her to everyone as her girlfriend. They had met at university and had been together ever since, even joining the same residency program. They kissed under the mistletoe. My heart was broken. I that moment I wondered the possibilities if we’d gone to university together. Would we have been together? I shook my head and smiled, thinking it was nothing more than a passing crush on someone even a blind woman would find attractive.

For years I observed her. It was her eyes, I found, were what attracted me to her. She was always very reserved, sometimes coming off as cold. But her eyes. Her eyes were a shining, sparkling blue. They reminded me of sunshine on the ocean. She had everyone eating out of the palm of her hands. Even the big bosses. She climbed the ladder quickly. She was a fellow in pediatrics in just a few years.

As for myself, I worked my way up, slowly but surely until I got into the OB/GYN residency program I’d worked so hard for. Our paths crossed sometimes, but not often. Our worlds were far apart. We played in different circles.

Imagine my surprise when one day I found her crying in the deserted on-call room. I gasped, announcing my presence to the oblivious red-head.

She jerked her head up and spun to face me. Her blue eyes were swollen, red rimmed. And, I realized, they had lost their sparkle. Yet she was still so beautiful to me.

I was quick to apologize, not wanting to intrude. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone was here." I turned to go.

"No, it's alright," I heard her say softly. "Please, stay."

I should have left her alone. Her grief deserved privacy. And my conscience nagged me to hurry to my office and not stick my nose somewhere it didn't belong. But I was never one to listen to my conscience. So I found myself turning to face her. And my feet slowly took me to the bed where she sat and I sat beside her.

I held out my hand. "Delia Busby."

She took my hand in her clammy one and replied, "I know. You're in OB/GYN. Patsy Mount."

I hid my surprise. "I know. You’re a pediatrics fellow."

She smiled. I tried to look for the sparkle in her eye. But it wasn't there. And in all the years we've been together, I never saw it there ever again.

It turned out that her girlfriend had broken up with her. She was from a political family and her father decided it was best for the family and for Margaret to marry a promising MP from her father's political party. Margaret, had tried to protest, but raised as she was, felt she had no choice but to agree. Having already rebelled and joined medicine, she didn’t or couldn’t fight anymore. It was there on that bed, in the empty on-call room, that Patsy told me that Margaret was the love of her life. And my heart broke all over again. Yet it was also filled with hope. Perhaps now, I could be there for her. I could bring that sparkle back in her eyes, make her happy again. But I never could.

Three months after that episode Margaret married John Reed, a young, handsome MP. When the news came out, Patsy broke down. Then she came to my flat and we made love for the first time. Well, I made love to her, I think she had sex with me.

The next several months were wonderful. Patsy was everything I thought she’d be. She was passionate and thoughtful. She always treated me with so much kindness and respect. I could tell she grew to love me. But she was never _in love_. Eventually, Patsy asked me to move in. I should have said no. But my heart wouldn't let me. I was too far gone. Patsy was the one for me. I told myself I didn't mind being second best. That I could make her forget Margaret. That I could make her love me. I was a fool.

After a year, she asked me to marry her. For a second, I thought the sparkle was back. I said yes. I thought it would be different from then on. But, like I said I was a fool.

She cried the first night after we got engaged. People would’ve thought it was sweet, only I knew better. Patsy cried out of hopelessness. I was not Margaret.

For two years I tried to make her happy, to make her love me. But I had given up. Her heart never belonged to me. It belonged to an MP’s wife.


	2. Chapter 2

I was pulled back to the present by Rhys's baby gibberish in my ear. I smiled, one of my rare genuine ones. I jiggled him and he squealed in my ear in delight. Bad move. My ears were ringing, but I didn't mind. 

"How about some cake?" I asked him. He smiled and kissed me on my cheek. 

"Kay," he gurgled.

I made my way to the table past my cousins. They were in an animated conversation about the match that was on. Still, as loud as they were, my ears could still pick up the crisp tones of RP. Patsy was having a conversation with my dad on the side, and smiled at me as I passed. Her manners were always impeccable. I got a couple of plates out of the cupboard and made my way back to the table where the tea was laid out. I pulled out one of the chairs and settled Rhys on my lap.

"Here we go. But you have to share." I told him as I broke off a little piece of the slice and handed it to him. He hummed happily, bouncing up and down on my lap. 

"That looks nice," Dayfid gestured to the tea cake in my hand.  
"Want a bite?" I asked, raising the slice.  
He smiled and opened his mouth. I moved the slice to my mouth and ate it with gusto, smacking my lips. "Mm-mm, good!" I proclaimed. I smirked at him.

"Why you little shit!" he said in surprise and mock outrage. Then his eyes widened comically when Rhys shouted for all to hear, "SHIT!"

"Uh-oh," Dayfid muttered under his breath. 

"What have you been teaching our son?" Grace, his wife, asked indignantly.

"Daf was just being a good dad and taught Rhys here his first swear word," I told her with a grin.

Grace's brown eyes shot daggers at her husband. My cousin grinned sheepishly, then without warning he took off with Grace at his heels. Rhys let out a delighted scream and wiggled his way off my lap to give chase to his parents.

I laughed along with everyone else, momentarily forgetting my woes. And a stray thought flitted through my head. I wanted a baby. As the thought registered, my heart broke just a little bit more. As long as I was with Patsy, I had decided not to have kids. And Patsy never brought it up. She hadn’t had a very happy childhood, losing her mother and sister in a car accident. She still had nightmares about it sometimes. They seemed less frequent off late, or she just had got better at hiding them. I shook my head to banish the thoughts. No. This is supposed to be a happy time, dammit! I haven't been home in five long years. I will not burden my family with this. I will smile and be happy. 

I took a breath and let it out slowly, feeling the grip on my heart loosen. I felt a presence beside me. Without looking I knew who it was.

"Quite a party," Patsy said.  
I look up at her and smiled. "Yep." I looked down at my hands and noticed the forgotten second slice. I offered it to her.

She smiled and ate it. "Mmm. This is really good." She cut herself a slice and sat there munching silently and taking in the atmosphere. 

"Yeah. It's Mam’s really particular about tea." I said, looking at my mother who had now joined Grace in giving Dayfid a “stern” talking to. He tried to look suitably contrite but knowing full well no one was being serious, was failing miserably. I couldn't help but laugh.

I felt her nudge my shoulder. I turned to her and saw that she was offering me a bite of her slice. I looked at her and there was something unreadable in her eyes again. I didn't want to analyze this, fearing what I would find there. So I just ate my cake.

*

"Thanks for setting up my room, Mam," I told my mother as I sat on my childhood bed. My room was the same. Even the posters and my sketches on the walls were untouched.  
"It's alright, cariad. It's good to have you home again," she smiled at me. "It gets a little lonely out here without you running around wreaking havoc."

I rolled my eyes. "Mam, I'm twenty-seven."

"You will always be my baby no matter how old you become cariad. Got it?" 

I sobered and I looked at her. "I love you, Mam."

She smiled and said, "I love you too, cariad." Then she scrutinized me and then asked, "Is everything alright with you and Patsy?"

I blinked. "Yeah. Everything's the same as usual with us." It wasn't a lie. "Why do you ask?"

She stared at me a moment more then said with a smile, "Nothing dear. You looked a little tired this afternoon."

“It’s just been a tough few weeks at work and I haven’t got a lot of sleep.”

I smiled. It felt mechanical. But it was either that or break down and I'd really rather not alarm my mother this late after the tiring day we had. She was a little reluctant to accept Patsy in the fold as it is. She enveloped me in her arms and it felt so safe. So warm. I was home. 

I heard the clearing of a throat. Patsy was standing by the door, looking at my mom and I, then letting her eyes roam my bedroom. She cocked an eyebrow at me. "Yellow?"

I blushed. "It's a pretty color," I shrugged.

She smirked and sat beside me, a proprietary arm going about my waist. "That it is.” 

She looked at my mother. “I had a lot of fun. Thanks for inviting me." 

"Glad you enjoyed it, dear. I hope it wasn’t too overwhelming?” asked mam. “I know you don’t like large crowds.” 

Patsy grinned, "Not at all. It was nice to be around so many of Delia’s cousins. I can see where she gets some of her personality.”

My mother laughed. I shook my head. "Dayfid’s sister is getting married next year. Maybe you can come down here again."

"Yeah?" she looked hopeful. "That would be great."

My mom stood from the bed with a groan. "Well, I'm taking these creaky old bones to bed." She shook her head ruefully. "Used to be, I could chase after you all day, Delia. Now, my body is rebelling. I'm going be so sore tomorrow."

I stood up too. "You're not old, Mam. G'night." We hug and she gives me a kiss on the forehead.

"Good night, cariad. You too, Patsy." She walked out of the room. 

For some reason I couldn't look at Patsy. I cleared my throat. "I'm going to go wash up." I hurried off to the bathroom right next door to my bedroom and prepared for bed.

When I got back, the room was dark. The moonlight illuminated the delectable lump Patsy made between the sheets. I took my place beside her and turned on my side, facing away from her. The familiar feel of my room and the comforting sounds of my childhood home settled my insides and made me drowsy.

I was drifting off when I felt Patsy's lips placed butterfly kisses at the nape of my neck. Her hands came around my waist, slowly making it's way to my stomach. Her kisses become more insistent, lips travelling down to my back then up again. I felt the familiar warmth of arousal spark in my stomach, right where her hand was. I turned my head to face her. The moonlight was behind her, casting her face in shadows. 

Right here, in my childhood room, where most of my memories of childhood, both happy and sad were, I just couldn't bear feeling used. I just couldn't pretend that it was me she was thinking of when we made love, my name she was screaming inside her head when she came. In a weird way, I felt it would destroy the sanctity of my room and the memories it kept.

For the first time in a long while, I told her. "Not tonight, Pats. I'm just so tired." And it was true. I was tired of being second best.

The shadows hid the expression on her face. Her tone was even when she said, "It's alright. I just wanna hold you."

With that she snuggled up to me, the arm around my waist tightening for a few seconds, pulling me toward her. 

This happened before countless of times. After sex, she'd hold me just like this. And sometimes just before she'd fall into a deep sleep she'd call her name. Margaret. I waited for her to say it now. All I heard was her even breathing. The sanctity of my bedroom remains unsullied. And I thanked God for small favors. I closed my eyes and surrendered to the darkness.

The morning brought sunshine.

And with it the news that shocked me to my core. 

John Reed had died last night of a heart attack. He was only thirty three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always comments/ suggestions welcome


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments! I'm glad people are enjoying this even though it's a bit of a different take!

  
The house got eerily quiet as we watched the early morning news. I couldn't look at Patsy. I couldn't bear to see what I would find there. Would she leave now? Now that Margaret no longer had a husband? Would she go to her now that Margaret needed someone to be there for her? My conscience knocked me on the head, reminding me to spare a thought for the departed senator. But my heart was in knots. All I could do was look at the screen as my girlfriend’s soulmate addressed the press to officially announce her husband's death. Oh what must Patsy be feeling?  
  
"So young," I heard my dad, mumble. "He had pretty fair ideas too."  
  
"Yup. Such a waste," added Dayfid.  
  
"Poor Mrs. Reed. And they were only beginning their family," mam put in her two cents.  
  
I got up from the couch and out the door.  
  
"Delia, where are you off to?" I heard Dayfid call.  
  
"A walk," I responded.  
  
My feet took care of my direction because my brain was a study of jumbled thoughts. I was afraid that she would leave. Nothing was stopping her. John was dead now. And Margaret's father was no longer a MP. There was no longer any reason for her to pretend. She was free.   
  
Then I realized that there was indeed something holding Patsy back.

Me.

She would never break a promise. That wasn't how Patsy operated. When she gave her word, it was good as gold. And no matter how miserable she was, she would never leave me. She had promised to marry me. She had promised me forever.   
  
Could I do that to her? Could I watch her suffer every day, pining for her love and being unable to do anything because of some stupid oath that she hadn’t even taken yet? Do I love her enough to keep her chained to me?  
  
I looked around at where my feet had taken me. I was at the seaside. This was my sanctuary when I was younger. The sea helped me think; the ocean breeze calmed me down. I made my way to the quay and sat on the slightly damp ground, my feet dangling above the water. I took a deep breath, feeling the salt of the ocean at the back of my throat. Or were they the tears I refused to shed?  
  
I looked out over my sanctuary. What I was thinking I couldn't tell you. My mind left me for a few precious minutes and I was free from pain. The purr of an approaching boat brought me back to the here and now. He waved and I waved back. I breathed in the peaceful morning air. I laughed.

Then in a moment of clarity I had my answer. I stopped mid-laugh as the answer hit me. I had to talk to Patsy.  
  
"Where'd you get to?" Mam asked as I walked into the kitchen.  
  
"Around," I answered her absently. "Where's Patsy?"  
  
"She went up to your room, dear."

I took the stairs two at a time. I burst through the door without knocking. And there sat Patsy, her eyes swollen, tears falling down her face. And there it was, the thing that made me fall for her, the thing that I thought I'd never see again. The sparkle in her eyes was back.  
  
To say it broke my heart would be an understatement. But it solidified my answer. I loved Patsy too much to keep her. I had to set her free. And the sparkle in her eyes made the decision bearable for me.  
  
She opened her mouth to speak but I beat her to it. I took my ring off and held it up.

"This isn’t working out. I can’t marry you. We need to end this."  
  
She looked at me, mouth agape. She closed it, and opened it again to speak, only to shut it tight, her jaw clenching. "What?" she asked through gritted teeth.  
  
I sat beside her, my eyes forward, staring at the yellow wall. "You're free, Patsy. Her father can't run her life anymore, he's retired from politics. And her husband is gone. Nothing is stopping you from reclaiming the other half of your soul. Except me. And I don't want you to be miserable." I turn to her, looking her in the eyes. "I love you too much, Pats. Don't you see? I can never be her. And you can only be happy with her. This is your chance to be happy."  
  
She looked at me, with that strange spark in her eyes. For a long time we only stared at each other. Then she opened her mouth. "You're right."  
  
I heard my heart shatter. Without my permission, tears streamed down my face. I felt empty inside. I knew the pain would come after the shock wore off. I would welcome it with open arms. But I just felt empty now. I nodded my head and got up. I would tell mam there had been a change of plans. That we couldn't stay for long after all.   
  
As I reached for the doorknob I heard her speak again. "You are right." I heard her get up, felt her hands on my shoulders as she turned me around to face her. The sparkle in her eyes showed brighter. "Nothing is stopping me from reclaiming the other half of my soul. Even you, Deels. And I am claiming you right now."  
  
Her head lowered and she kissed me. The kiss felt different, sweeter somehow. Like she meant it. Her arms went around me, crushing me to her, her hand holding my head in place as her kiss deepened.   
  
I was breathless when she let me go. My vision swam and I couldn't speak. Was that a kiss goodbye? "I don't understand," I whispered.  
  
"I was sitting here on the bed, thinking about what John's death meant to me and Margaret. She's free now. Her father cannot dictate her life. Then I thought about going to her, to take care of her, rekindle our past."  
  
I felt the first stab of pain lance through me. It made me gasp. Her hold tightened.  
  
"Then I thought about what it would mean for us. I thought about leaving you." A second burst of pain. I shut my eyes, the pain making my vision blur.  
  
She continued, "And the thought of leaving you just tore my heart, Delia. It hurt so much, like a physical pain. The thought about not waking up next to you, never being able to hold you in my arms again, to see you laugh? I couldn't stand it Deels. The pain of losing you is just too much. Even the pain of losing Margaret paled to the thought of losing you." She gently stroked my cheeks, making me open my eyes.

"You are the other half of my soul, Delia. You. Not Margaret. You. You make me complete. You make everything around me better. I spent two days in the company of people I barely knew, and I actually enjoyed it.  Because I could see bits of you in them. For a first time in a long time I felt like I belonged somewhere. I belong with you.”

I felt her arms tighten around me.

“You took my broken heart and healed it, Deels. And you've had my heart for a long time now. I'm sorry if I hadn't shown it to you better, darling. I was trying to tell you this the last few days, but I’m sorry if I wasn’t good enough. But I beg you, never doubt my love for you."  
  
I blinked at her. My heart dared to hope. But I had to be sure. "What? What do you mean?"  
  
She smiled, her eyes sparkling even more. "I love you, Delia Busby. I'm so in love with you I could burst."  
  
"You're not leaving me?" I asked her, clutching the front of her shirt with in my fists, afraid to let go.  
  
"Never," she declared vehemently. “Where you go, I go.”  
  
She looked into my eyes again. “I love you, Deels.”

Then she leaned in to kiss me, and I found out just how much.

  
The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments/ suggestions welcome! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that's part 1. I have mapped the story out more or less, and I think 3 parts should do it. Hopefully you'll stay tuned! :)
> 
> As always, comments/ suggestions welcome.


End file.
